I used to get really upset because I was obsessed with thinking that all my friends – all the people around me had it so much easier then me.
In my first hour at Uni I met an amazing friend, someone who really got me and in the first couple of hours I met for the second time my Soul Mate. Everything was great 🙂 til the next morning when I found out my granddad had died, alone in bed that night. A mix of grieve and freshers flu kept me from meeting anyone and when it came to my lessons the horrible realisation that I was on the wrong course, at the wrong place hit me and suddenly a life choice, going to University, which had always been a given for me became something I didn’t want. In the next few days I was bullied out of my Uni Dorm and never went back – me and my partner lived on the floor of that great friend I’d met in my first hour. In this time my Nan passed away from Cancer.
I had never got over the death of my grandparents – people say it gets easier with time – It really doesn’t. I celebrated both their birthdays this year even though my mum told me ‘the dead don’t have birthdays’ and I still think about them often. More then 18 months later it still haunts me that I don’t remember the last time I saw my grandad, the fact he died alone whilst his wife was in hospital or my nan’s face when I last saw her. She didn’t recognise me and it hurt so much, I went to leave and she was crying ‘I love you’ at me and I just left still, too hurt to see her as she was. I wish I’d stayed. I wish they were still alive.
A month later we were living in hotels through checks and student overdrafts. My parents were furious and that ‘great friend’ had declared her love for my partner asking him to leave me – but not before she spent a few weeks trying to kiss him whilst I wasn’t looking. I properly left University, convinced it was the wrong choice but I didn’t want to go home either – We stayed – in fact for months we managed in Hotels for food and a bed. I’m really not sure how. In November we moved into an apartment way beyond our means because of a friend who a month later left to go home for Christmas and never came back. Still with no jobs we were constantly scrouging for food and never paid rent or bills. In January my partner got a job and a colleague of his moved in – the job funnily enough turned out to be with a company reputed for not paying their staff and the colleague? A habitual drug user – he smoked a spliff in the morning before going to the loo/getting food or showering. He brought back a bunch of friends that did pills, E etc one night at 4am, got agressive, attacked me and after being pinned to the wall by my partner – left. He left without paying any rent and my partner was fired because the drug user was personal friends with the boss who also both happened to be personal friends of a drug dealer. This guy who not only made our lives a living hell but would follow me to and from work.Without actually doing anything to us though, the Police couldn’t do anything.
A few days after he left a couple moved into our place – again they were mates and they desperately needed to move out as the father of the guy was sexually harassing the girl. So we did them a favour. I clearly remember me and my partner’s first Valentines together. We both had to work but were going to go to the cinema later that night – on the way back from work we got a call from the girl who lived with us in tears. The landlords and the estate agent had broken into the apartment and gone through all of our paperwork. They didn’t find anything but they did tell the girl that we were sub-letting the apartment illegally and so she’d have to move out. I called my mum who is an estate agent and had a copy of our agreement to call the landlords out on their bullshit and everything was fine for a bit. Par the ‘we were behind on rent’ thing – but not 2 months so we still had time. Two weeks later the couple decided they couldn’t live on their own anymore and moved out – whilst me and my partner were at work and again, without paying rent. The next day made us officially 2 months overdue and we were served with an eviction notice. I remember spending nights crying because we simply had nowhere to go, nothing to eat and with tomorrow came absolute despair.
It was only through sheer luck perhaps that we found our way out. I contacted a bunch of landlords and told them that we couldn’t afford a desposit due to our car breaking down and having to pay out for it – but thanks to the drug user leaving his Xbox, we had £200 for the first months rent. A room was found and ten minutes before our old ‘breaking and entering’ landlords came to ‘collect the rest of the rent’ – we were gone. Ready to start a new life 🙂 It was pretty quiet for a few months, hard – of course – I was the only one working and that was a part time job. Non of my friends from high school bothered staying in touch with me and neither of our parents were talking to us – it was pretty lonely. No money, No friends but we always found reasons to be happy – knowing how stressful it had been in the previous place. In March I found out I was pregnant – we never decided what to do because a week later on my 19th Birthday, I had a miscarriage. At the time, it didn’t really affect me – I think I was going through too much other stuff but it got to the point when a year on I would cry when I saw a child or baby in the street. Especially now when I’m pregnant again – I’ve been terrified of losing it, and I keep wondering what my ‘first child’ would have been like’. This and the rape (August 10th 07 – I can’t believe I still remember the date) has really taken a hit to my sexual self. A few weeks later another girl who my partner had been talking to online announced her undying love for him and a few weeks later the drug dealer followed me home from work to our new place. The police wouldn’t do anything so we had to move.
It started getting bad again – especially since in the new place, the landlord had no concept of tennant’s rights – turning up at all hours. He was awful and within one month not only had I developed an anxiety disorder but we moved out. Again. In this place was our worse time for not having things to eat – going two weeks where we could only afford to eat a pack of noodles a day. For close to a year now we’d been living out of suitcases.
Place number four and we come to the anniversary of my granddads death. Purely chosen because the landlords had told us we were allowed our two cats there; we lived fine here til a girl moved in down stairs. She would knock on our door at all hours, she’d bring home different guys every night, she’d eat our food and basically interfer with our lives. In fact, she is the only person who I have ever come close to punching in the face – which if you know me is bad since I am not an aggressive or violent person. After a few weeks, 2 things happened – A French couple complained about our cats – despite having never seen them and the landlords conviently ‘forgot’ that they said we were allowed them despite me having an e-mail stating so and 2) I lost my job. We were exhausted of life, no money, no job, no family, no friends, no break. So we upped it down South.
I’m going to stop there despite having a stint on the street coming up – but I will explain my point. I know I’ve had a hard life and it used to upset me that other’s seemed to have it easy. Now it doesn’t. In fact I’m very happy – because no matter how bad it got, time moved on and so did we. I also know now that what we went through? Many many others have and are. I talked to a girl just the other night that pretty much exactly described the pretty pathetic situation we were in. I still think my old mates have had it easier but they won’t – in the end everyone gets their share of misfortune and whilst it’s true, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If someone doesn’t understand what I’ve been through/am going through then I just smile and think ‘Lucky them, I hope they never do understand.’
Personally it makes me happy to be alive – I used to be drained by the shallowness of things – now I understand the importance of them and don’t dwell so much on the ‘deep’ stuff.
What I”m trying to say is – Be Happy – if you’re not, figure out why and go for it – there’s too much sorrow in life to make your own. It’s too easy to be happy for you not to be. Sadness is what takes effort – that’s why it drains you. Be happy you even have family, or you have food, or the sun is shining, or it’s Thursday. Be Happy that you can see, have assess to the internet, can walk – be happy that if you’re upset the natural rule of life is change and so it will.